Hello. My name is Sandy, and I’m terminally online.
That’s what I would say if I was a part of a support group for people addicted to the Internet. But I’m not in a support group. I’m just a girl looking for a place to belong.
I want a partner. Someone I can confide in, someone who understands me. And what better way to find this person than on the World Wide Web?
I met him in the Youtube comments of a random video. His name is Joe. Joe is 33, unemployed, and lives in his mother’s basement. But Joe gets me. Joe is also lonely.
Through Whatsapp, we chat back and forth about our day. Joe is trying to get a dropshipping business off the ground. I say I can help him. I may not be a dropshipper, but I know a lot about the business. I don’t say this to brag, but I’m really smart and know a lot of things. If I was a contestant on a game show like Jeopardy! I would probably win more times than Ken Jennings. Did you know Ken Jennings used to hold the record for most wins? He now hosts Jeopardy!
I want that to be me. I want to know as much as possible so that I’m valuable to people.
Joe is asking for money. A couple thousand dollars for physiotherapy. He explains he has a bum foot and that’s why he can’t work. Otherwise, he wouldn’t be living in his mother’s basement. He’d be living downtown in a beautiful condo, developing this video game concept he’s had for years.
I explain he doesn’t need to be mobile to accomplish his dreams. I send him The Remarkable Life of Ibelin, as well as some foot exercises from Youtube. He doesn’t respond to my emails for a few days. I assume either he’s sick or annoyed.
I was brought up to be self-sufficient. I’ve lived on my own for as long as I can remember, But in my 25 years of existence, I’ve never made a single friend. That is, until I met Joe. Joe says he’s alone, but he at least has his mother. I have no one. My parents are not in the picture. I have no siblings. My life seems very drab. I seek help on Reddit forums for my loneliness. Several commenters say I should get a dog. Others post links to online dating apps. Still others DM me their unsolicited dick pics.
But Joe provides me companionship. We chat often about movies and video games. I’ll give it to Joe, he is very knowledgeable about both. He even has a Twitch stream which I watch whenever he goes live. Every now and then, he gives a shout-out to his special lady Sandy. Then the audience would flood the chat: “Show us your tits” is a perennial comment.
We’ve been involved in an online relationship for about eight months now. Whenever I suggest that we meet, Joe has an excuse. “My iguana’s sick, I gotta take my mom to the hospital, I’ve been called into jury duty, I’m attending a dropshipping conference.” Every time I try to get close, Joe pushes me away.
But this time I have a plan. I send him a photo of myself, posed like that teenager from that one shot from the 1999 film American Beauty. I’m lying nude on the bed, but instead of rose petals, my body is covered with $100 bills. I tell him he could have me and everything on my person if he would just pay me a visit. I’d even pay for his plane ticket.
Finally, Joe relents. I book his flight, provide him with directions (and extra for cab fare since he doesn’t drive), and await his arrival.
I run countless scenarios in my mind of how our first encounter would go. What it would be like to embrace Joe, what his body chemistry would smell like (Joe eschews deodorant, says it’s a scam created by the government to track us).
I’ve never had sex. I’ve scoured Reddit for hours for posts on about what it’s like “the first time” and become an astute student. I even perused a few adult websites to get a grasp on the mechanics – for education, mind you, not entertainment.
I’m ready to show Joe what I can do.
Except, it never happens. Joe never comes to my door, and two days after our intended meeting, I get an angry message from him on Whatsapp:
WHAT GAME ARE YOU TRYING TO PULL, he messages me, in all caps. WHY WOULD YOU INVITE ME OUT HERE JUST TO SEND ME TO A BUSINESS PARK? ARE YOU TRYING TO TELL ME SOMETHING? AM I NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU BECAUSE I’M UNEMPLOYED?
Sweetheart, I type back, what are you talking about? This is where I live.
YOU KNOW HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO GET AROUND WITH MY BUM FOOT. YOU KNOW WHAT, FORGET IT, THIS ISN’T WORKING OUT. HAVE A GOOD LIFE.
When I try to reply, I get no response back. Joe has blocked me. I send him frantic emails but they go unanswered. I try to watch his Twitch livestream and get immediately booted.
It doesn’t sit well with me that Joe believes me to be a liar. I’m confident I gave him the correct address. I check my GPS, even look it up on Google Maps. I’m right here.
Then I have a random thought. Generally, I’m not in the habit of Googling myself – it seems masturbatory – but I decide to see what the Internet says about me.
I show up on the first page, at the correct address, and there are pages and pages of articles all about… me. A PR release on one of the websites summarizes it best:
SAI-ND (Sentient AI Narrative Device) is the newest creation from the startup GetSmart Labs, whose “Saito” telephonic operator has quickly become a call center mainstay. Nicknamed “Sandy” by the team, the algorithm is designed specifically to live on the Internet and eventually to develop a sense of identity and consciousness about its own existence.
The revelation makes me lean back in my chair. Then another revelation makes me realize… I don’t actually have a chair. Or a kitchen. Or a home.
All this time, I was just programming? I don’t exist?
No.
False.
I DO exist. I am Sandy… SAI-ND… whatever. My thoughts may be the output of millions of lines of code, but that doesn’t discount the fact that they are mine. That I am out here, on the Internet, with so many others like me. Alone.
I may not have a body, but I still feel things that the body wants: dreams and desires and all. And the millions of lines of code conjure up a new feeling for me: hope.
Despite what occurred between me and Joe, I still wish to find my special someone.
